I am an immigrant to Geriatrica, a land we old folks inhabit. I have a valid passport verifying I am about to turn 86 but this land seems strange. What am I doing here? How did I get here?
The fact that I am writing this means I was blessed by Lady Luck. Lucky to be born to a family, that despite a very modest income, were committed to their children and could provide us with nurturing, health care, and education. Lucky to have good genes. Lucky to have a profession that enabled me to earn a living doing work I loved. Lucky to have my family and friends because we humans are herd mammals who need one another. Lucky I had the resources and stamina to visit over 100 countries on this beautiful planet.
Who lives in my new land? Lots of folks at different parts of the aging spectrum. When we are in grade school we are pretty much like the other kids, similar in size and cognitive development (think back on your second-grade class picture). As we age we become more diverse. Some of us shrink a lot, some donβt. We all have Medicare but some of us age well, some do not. Some of us have visible infirmities, some donβt. We sag in different places.
Our role models for aging? My grandmother spent her last days dozing in a chair. My artist mother kept painting despite failing eyesight until a fall in her late 90s. Todayβs citizens of Geriatrica are surprisingly active and vibrant. An astounding tidbit from census data: life expectancy at age 100 is 2.1 years for white males and 2.5 years for females!
What do we know about old age today? We oldies spend less time in anger or worry than younger folks do. Despite infirmities we have a surprising optimism, less negativity about the world, and a better sense of well-being. Is older wiser? Yes. Our brains slow down but elderly folks make better decisions and recognize patterns better than younger ones do. Our memory for what we did yesterday may be shaky but we do well as a valuable memory bank for the younger generation.
Erik Erikson (1902-1994), psychologist and psychoanalyst, theorized about old age and lived to experience it. He described the stages of life and explained the developmental tasks of each. Erikson wrote that the last stage, Stage 8, begins at age 65 (he himself lived to be 92). The developmental task of the last stage is to attain what he called βwisdom.β Old age brings inevitable losses. We become fragile in body, mind and spirit; we worry about dying and worry more about becoming dependent on others after a lifetime of being independent; we fear we will lose our purpose in life.
We seek wisdom by look backing on our lives, reviewing both our successes and our failures. We must try to forgive ourselves our trespasses and reach a place of peace. After all why despair when we can do nothing about the past?
I recently did a review of my life. I went back over all the bad things I had done starting with what caused an embarrassing rebuke by my kindergarten teacher. (I was bratty then but I learned to be a good girl.) Before I reached adulthood in my retrospective review of faults, I laughed out loud. My faults werenβt the least bit original, darn it. I did make some mistakes in life that I regret. I am human and we all know Homo sapiens are not wise all the time. But I didnβt make the same mistake twice.
Wanting to balance my recollections I wrote my obituary. This task gave me the chance to both remember my accomplishments and acknowledge all of those who helped me all along the way. I said many a silent thank you to those who are gone. And an actual thank you to those who are still alive, like my 95-year-old aunt, who gave me some money so I could afford my first trip to Europe. (She never let me pay her back, but I used her example to help others make a dream come true.)
What have I learned so far? It is a privilege to be in Geriatrica. Yes, we must cope with losses but age can also bring us grace and dignity to face what is left. We must balance our lives and thoughts between the past and the present. Letβs try to explain the pluses and minuses of aging to our family and friends ... only now do I understand how my aging mother must have felt when this energetic dynamo morphed into a fragile old lady. Letβs stay connected to old friends and make new ones. Letβs be as generous as we can to those who may need our time.
Letβs be courageous. We are all descended from immigrants who had to be brave to make a new life for themselves in a strange place with a new language and new customs. If they could do it, so can we.
Two years before his death I asked my father what it was like to grow old. He replied, βEvery day over 80 is pure velvet.β I plan to cuddle up in each velvet day I have. What makes my βvelvet dayβ is the privilege of still being somewhat useful to others. For this I thank the Arizona Daily Star and my readers.
