Smartphones have totally changed grandparent/grandchild communications. Three-year-old Joshua has memorized the icons and can both βreadβ my telephone contact number and press the right icon to call me. All by himself. (I can remember laboriously printing a letter to my grandmother who lived on the other side of the country. I had to be reminded of my letter when her return note with a dollar bill tucked inside arrived, bringing my first payment for literary work.)
Let me share a recent phone conversation. Joshua: βHello, Grandma, the squirrel died!β
Grandma: βOh, dear! Thatβs too badβ
Prompt from Daddy: βTell Grandma how the squirrel died.β
βThe car squooshed the squirrel!β
Dad: βWhy did this happen?β
βThe squirrel ran into the road without looking!β
Dad: βHow do we cross the road safely, Joshua?β
βWe look both ways before crossing!β
Grandma: βThatβs right!β
This little intergenerational communication illustrates two important parenting strategies. First of all, any moment β even the least expected or definitely un-rosy moment, can be a βteachableβ moment. Parents have to be prepared to use such an event to teach anything from safety to morality lessons.
Morality at age 3? You better believe it! What better time to teach the Golden Rule than when your child witnesses one child deliberately hurt another? Quickly point out, βHow would you feel if you got pushed down?β Add, βWhat should the boy who shoved the other boy say?β
The second important parenting strategy point is that you donβt avoid, gloss over, or shield a young child from a moment like the death of a squirrel. This can help the young child start to learn about the βhard issuesβ like death.
Think of it this way. A small child canβt yet chew crusty hard bread, so you feed him soft bread. A young child cannot understand abstract concepts like life or death. (Many of us grownups still struggle with such weighty issues.) Because it takes many years to understand the finality of death, βfeedβ your child little bites so he or she can start the process.
The death of a pet or coming across the body of a wild creature like a squirrel or bird is often the childβs first exposure to death. This exposure will likely happen to every preschooler, so parents should be prepared to tell the child what has happened and to answer any and all questions.
A child between about 2 and 4 can be told that death means the person or animal has stopped breathing. βDeath means their body isnβt working any more and there is nothing we can do.β
Letβs look at another possible example. If a pet dies or is euthanized you can explain that the dogβs body was worn out because she was so old and add, βNow she is dead and wonβt come backβ To the query, βWhere did she go?β I told my young children that dead pets go to doggie or kitty heaven and the event was always memorialized. Little pets, and some other small creatures like dead baby birds, were buried in the back yard with the entire family participating in a solemn funeral.
Generally when a pet, even a beloved one, dies, preschool children merely want to know what happened and they will get over it, although they continue to mention it (βItβs sad Lady had to dieβ or βI miss my doggieβ). But the death may bring up other questions like. βWill you die, Mommy?β
βEverybody dies but not until I am old so I will be here to take care of you.β βWill I die?β βYes, but not until you are very old.β
Let your childβs questions or comments guide you but the rule is truth with compassion and with an understanding of the childβs developmental stage.
Always share your own grief: βI am so sad that Lady died, I really miss her.β Cry with your child to model how grownups deal with grief. Then suggest your child draw a picture or pick flowers for the grave or do some other task that empowers the child in these sad situations.