I barely survived Black Friday.
While I was recovering in the ER late yesterday afternoon from my brief interaction with a moose of a woman armed with a massive purse, which she wielded like a war mace, I thought there has to be another way to shop for gifts.
Although it was difficult to work a keyboard with crushed fingers, I searched online for local items and found a trove of regional delights that would make ideal holiday gifts.
In the spirit of giving, I am sharing my finds with you in the form of this modest gift catalog:
Chile Pepper Wreath Necklace: And you thought chile pepper wreaths were for hanging above your fireplace! Nothing says βI love youβ quite like jewelry, right, ladies? Gents, your desert flower will love her 100 percent natural biodegradable recyclable necklace. One size fits all. Comes with chile pepper earrings. Stapler not included.
Inflatable Our Lady of Guadalupe: 6-foot-high inflatable yard decoration sold by Sonoran Inflatables. Self-inflates and lights up. Includes inflator fan, stakes, tethers. Patch kit included.
PiΓ±ata Batting Cage: Comes with bat, safety helmet. PiΓ±atas not included.
Burrito Pillows: 20β x 26.β Rest easy with this unique pillow from Burrito Pillows of Tucson. Each pillow is handcrafted with a flour tortilla case and filled with a soft, high fiber filling. βOur bean filling is hypoallergenic and gluten-free. Each pillow is also edible!β Serves 20. Sleeps one. Patent pending.
Organ Pipe Cactus Tuning Fork: Did you know that Organ Pipe Cactus youβve had for years may be out of tune? Thereβs only one way to know for sure. The Organ Pipe Cactus Tuning Fork. Get Cereus! From Ron-co of Rio Rico.
Bobbie Bittmanβs Bobcat Bath Shampoo: Next time your favorite bobcat saunters across your yard invite him or her into your home for a bath and a manicure. Mittens, body armor and face mask not included.
San Xavier del Bac Lego Kit: What could be more fun than building a model of the most beautiful mission in the world? Includes 283,718,927 Legos and one Padre Kino mini-figure. Ages 65 and up.
Replica of βAβ Mountain: Your family will be thrilled with their very own βAβ Mountain made entirely from 100 percent native dirt. Delivery available. White concrete βAβ included. Fireworks sold separately.
Saguaro Hat and Mittens: The perfect fashion accessory for your sentinel of the desert during these cold winter nights! Mittens come five to a pack. One size fits all.
Rolling Rickβs Golf Cart Gun Rack: Whether you need a rack to hold your Tech-9, or just your trusty nine iron, Rolling Rickβs Golf Cart Gun Rack is the rack for you! Youβll always be equipped to shoot a hole-in-one β or a hole in as many varmints as you need β thanks to Rolling Rickβs Golf Cart Gun Rack! Semiautomatic weapons, ammo, defense attorneys sold separately.
Quick Pace Treadmill and Bird Feeder: Are your quail fat? Quick Pace Treadmill and Bird Feeder is the answer. Fits easily on any windowsill. Enjoy watching entire families of quail scurry in single file in place for hours at a time. No assembly required.
Back Off! Bighorn Sheep Repellent: Six-ounce bottle. Mountain Lion Scent. Easy to use indoors or outdoors. βSince the Forest Service began reintroducing bighorns to our area, we canβt get rid of them! Theyβre everywhere! On Pusch Ridge ... in my laundry room ... and now theyβre eating the Christmas tree! Thank you, Back Off! Bighorn Sheep Repellent.β Use in a well-ventilated space.
Hangmanβs Noose Bola Tie by Odd Timmy of Tombstone: In a knot over what to get your loved one? Nothing says βOld Westβ like this beautiful neckwear made entirely from vintage rope recovered from Boot Hill Cemetery when the bodies were relocated a few years back. Gluten-free.
Slightly Used B-52: βCome check out this Davis-Monthan Air Force Base Boneyard holiday special. Decommissioned long-range heavy bombers make fantastic gifts for that hard-to-please Third World dictator or that loved one that seems to have everything!β Comes with βDoctor Strangeloveβ DVD, flying instructions and welding torch. MasterCard, Visa, unmarked bills accepted. Ask for βLinguini.β
Pabloβs Old Pueblo Guacamole Dip and Pothole Patch: βPabloβs Old Pueblo Guacamole Dip and Pothole Patch is made with tangy tomatillos, green chiles, garlic, fresh avocados and our secret ingredient. All natural. Gourmet seasoning. And no preservatives! After each party simply scrape the remaining dip into any pothole.β Dries instantly. Guaranteed to outlast asphalt.
I hope this has been helpful. If you’ve seen similar items that you think would make great holiday gifts, email me at tooner@tucson.com with your suggestion!
Remember this season to keep your cool and to buy locally. And above all, be mindful that it is the thought that counts.
Feliz Navidad!
